heh

This may sound weird, but I've been studying French for two years now and sometimes I get really confused because I can't think of the plural for "the"...in English. Just now I was trying to figure out how to say "the people", only plural, and I couldn't figure out what "the" was supposed to change to. Heh, too much French.

My Messed up Family

My dad sent me an e-mail over the weekend saying that my sister Michelle was upset because of a run-in with Joel, my mom's on again off again boyfriend. He told me to e-mail Michelle, so I knew it had to be bad. When she finally e-mailed me back today, she said that Joel had been, for some time, making lude comments to her when my mom wasn't home, things I would never even say. The fact that a grown man was saying these things to a teenager was pretty shocking. Then, on the day my dad had been talking about, she heard sounds coming from under the door to the bathroom while she was getting dressed, and she was afraid that he had been taking pictures of her. So she e-mailed a friend and made her pick her up and take her away for a few hours. She told my mom about it, but they decided that the weird sounds were probably just the cats, and my mom talked to Joel about not saying things like that to Michelle anymore.

Fuck that, I would have kicked him out so fast...this guy is an idiot, and he has already done enough wrong to my mom to warrant a restraining order (around a year ago), but she keeps allowing him to move into the house again and again. It's mostly for financial reasons, I think, but my mom is also lonely. Still, if he's coming onto my little sister now, there is no guarenteeing that he won't do it again, or worse. I can't believe my mom would allow him to stay in the house when there is any sign that he's been doing things like this; she leaves him alone for hours with two teenage girls and a five-year-old.

Ugh, I wish I had more control over the situation. I told Michelle in my return e-mail that she should keep complaining to mom about him and watch out for him. I also told her that she should move in with me, but that probably won't happen; I'm too far away and Michelle is too lazy. This sucks.

My Dreams

In the last two weeks I've had four dreams about hiding. One of them was of me hiding from zombies; the other three were hiding from bad men, usually in my own house (which is often different). The last thing I remember before I wake up is running into a closet as quietly as I can -- sometimes alone, sometimes with my little brother -- and hiding beneath a pile of blankets, hoping that all of the bad people will leave the house without checking the closet. The weird thing is, from what I can remember the bad people/men are usually people who are involved in my dreams before they turn bad. They're secretly evil and I don't find out until the end when I run off to hide.

The zombie one was freaky. I ran off to a tiny house/apartment with my friend Michelle and while we were crouching on the floor we watched a zombie walk by a huge open window. We both froze, staring at the window, hoping he hadn't seen us, then he slowly came back into view and looked at us and moaned and tried to get in through the window, followed by hundreds of other zombies behind him. I woke up after trying to poke them away for a while, and it took me several minutes to calm down and get back to sleep after that.

So...I just thought it was weird that I'm having dreams about hiding so often. It makes me wonder....

My Thoughts on T.S. Eliot

Dear T.S. Eliot,

The English language was created so that we could more clearly express ourselves and communicate with one another. Not to fuck up my GPA.

Love,
Debra

My Anger

I know I haven't written in here a while, but I rarely feel like this so I figured that I should record this momentus occasion.

I'm a little pissed off.

I just got my grades for a group project and my final paper in my World Literature class, and they were both C's. Granted, I didn't do anything above and beyond what I normally do in literature classes: I wrote all of my papers to the best of my ability, showed up every day, contributed to discussion, and generally was a normal student. I did what was expected of me, what I was supposed to do. I did the same things I do in every other class, and I've never gotten a C until now. It really pisses me off that I could do everything I'm supposed to do, and still me a few points away from having to retake the class!

And what sucks even more is that I'm not the kind of person to act on my anger. I would loooooove to punch something right now, and I could because my roommate is gone, but I'm not going to because I would feel stupid. It seems like I can't show any emotion except for happiness -- whether it's real or not -- or else I feel like an idiot.

When I was a kid, I wouldn't even show my happiness around anyone except my family. I was afraid that my reaction would disappoint them, so even when my grandma got me something awesome for Christmas I would try to keep a blank face. I have a picture of my staring at a goldfish that my grandma got me for my birthday when I was six, and I remember being happy, but thinking that I couldn't show it because it wouldn't be happy enough, so I just didn't show anything.

Yeah, that's pretty weird, right? I've been working on it, and now I can appear very pleased when I meet and talk to new people, but I still feel very anxious around Christmas and my birthday because I'm afraid of disappointing people with my reaction, even if I get what I want.

So anyway, I hate my World Lit teacher, and I almost didn't pass the class, but I'm not going to do anything about it except post in this blog, which no one even reads, and probably watch some TV until the anger ebbs away.

Mon Français

I started a blog in French just to practice while I'm learning it in school. If you're interested, it's here.

I'm only in French 202, so it will be very elementary writing, just to warn you.

My Bad Weeks

Once a month I convince myself that I'm miserable and that I want to drop out of college. PMS sucks.

My Happy Days

There's just something about a great song or a great moment or image that can drive you crazy for hours or days and make you want to write or paint or at the very least laugh out loud with someone who might feel the same way you do.

I saw Across the Universe over the weekend, and I've been listening to the soundtrack for a couple of days, especially "Across the Universe" and "Strawberry Fields Forever," then there's this song that my sister's been listening to called "Say This Sooner," by The Almost, and it's just happy and peppy and exciting. I just finished reading a happy-go-lucky (mostly) Scrubs fanfiction and now I really feel like writing some more of my story, which is really overdue since I had so many papers to write in the last couple of weeks, but it's midnight and I have Japanese class early tomorrow morning, so I really should get to bed.

I wish I knew more people on messengers. I used to have 30 people on AIM at any given time to talk to, but that was four or five years ago. :( Leah just got offline, so I have no one to talk to. I guess I could go see if SuperV is online...

My Boredom

I realized a couple of days ago that my post about being fortunate with money was me trying to give myself a pep talk. I'm bored. I was trying to convince myself of how good I have it so that I wouldn't do anything stupid. The last time I was this bored, things happened: my mom got pregnant and my parents got divorced. That tied me over for a few years, then I moved out on my own, then moved away to college. But now I'm in my second year at Grand Valley, my second year in the same apartment with the same roommate studying a lot of the same things. It's starting to get to me.

I like to remember that I always have the option of stopping right now and run off. Hannah and I actually discussed running away yesterday. We decided that we could take her $6,000 loan and buy plane tickets to Japan, find jobs teaching English, etc. Except that she doesn't have a passport. Silly Hannah.

I'm really glad that I'll be studying abroad next year, because if I'm this unhappy after staying here for two years, I can't imagine going for a third year.

My Crazy Philosophy

Heh, I posted that whole rant about being thankful for being so fortunate and having money and being able to study whatever I want and go wherever I want in several different places, including my MySpace. Several people replied to the MySpace post, and all of their replies were very different. One thing that caught my attention was my aunt's reply.

My aunt is very nice; I don't know her very well personally, but I look up to her because she has traveled around the world and seems to be a very good person despite being pretty rich. She replied that I should share all of my gifts with those who are less fortunate than me. A very nice sentiment.

I couldn't help but scoff at it.

I know that it's a very nice thing to say, and I know that there a lot of people out there who might be stuck in a sucky situation, like being a single mom who can't get ahead, because if she gets a job she will get less help from the government, and she'll have to pay more rent and pay a babysitter, so really, if she works she'll have less money than she has when she stays home all day with her son. It sucks. There doesn't seem to really be a way out of it unless she gets a boyfriend/sugar-daddy, and how demoralizing is that?

But I digress.

I was saying that there are a lot of people in sucky situations: single moms, homeless people, orphans. And that's just in this country, the U. S. of A. where opportunity is running rampant. I've been reading a lot about Africa lately and the kind of disparity going on there. But that's their lot, right? These are people who were born in a country that is unstable, unbalanced between what was and what is, and they have no choice but to deal with it.

But what can I do to help any of these people? Share my knowledge with them? I can't share my scholarships with them. I could volunteer my time for them, but why are their unfortunate situations my responsibility just because I'm in a good place.

I know that sounds like I'm being a total asshole. I really can see both sides to it; I know why it makes sense for those who have more to give to those who have less. I know I've been frustrated seeing some people buying $1300 pants when I get mine second-hand from my sister. But then again, if that person earned what they got, why should they feel obligated to give it up to people who've done nothing to earn it? Isn't that just harboring a system that rewards those who do nothing?

My friend Andrea's sister's fiance (that's a mouthfull) used to complain that his friend used to brag about living completely off of the government. He and his girlfriend didn't work or go to school or anything, just sat around and recieved checks for doing nothing. Is that fair?

I can't decide, actually. So I just do what feels right to me. If a situation comes along in which I'm able to use what I have to help someone less fortunate, I will probably take it. If not, I'll keep doing what I'm doing.

My Fortune

Every once in a while I am hit with the realization of how fortunate I am. The first time it happened, back in high school, I was working in a deli in a tiny grocery store where business was so slow that I was reading Oliver Twist, by Charles Dickens. I was so into that book about a little kid who walks miles and miles and begs for food and water door to door just so that he can keep walking and sleeps in the street or in an alley every night that when I looked up and realized that I had piles of food right in front of me and I was going home to a house full of food and a bed that was mine I was actually shocked.

It hit me today on my walk home. As I checked my cell phone for messages and changed the song on my iPod, I was thinking about all the things I'd done that day and I realized that it felt like practically nothing.

I was going home to a kitchen full of food that I bought with my dad's money and an apartment with air conditioning and free cable and high speed internet and a shower that never ran out of hot water. This alone would have been wonderful, but add to it that it was all paid for by the $10,000 check that the government gives me every year to go to college (and my dad ^_^). I am being paid to study whatever I want to study. Anything I want. I prove that by studying English literature.

I can do anything I want. I could drop any class right now, or completely rearrange my schedule next semester so that I'm taking nothing but business and Spanish. I could drop my English major and go into Medicine or Law or Modern Dance. In ten years, I could be a scientist or a teacher. I could quit school altogether and get a job, and, even making minimum wage, still be able to pay my rent. I could start my own business, or start selling stuff on eBay and spend all of my time writing. I could sell a few of my possessions, back up the rest of them, and fly to Ireland. I could take off on my bike and ride across the United States.

Next year, the government and my school are going to pay for me to fly to Tokyo and study Japanese and East Asian culture. I want to make it clear that I have given no one any guarentee of my actually utilizing anything I learn in Japan, or for that matter, anything I've learned and will learn in college. I never signed anything stating that I wasn't wasting thousands of dollars doing whatever I wanted to do. Why the hell would they give me so much money every year? Why is the government so intent on letting me do whatever the hell I want to do?

It really amazes me. I came home today between classes. I made myself some chimichangas, played on the internet, probably watched three hours of Top Chef, and fell asleep on the couch for an hour. Then I walked to French class, spoke French for a while, listened to some French music, listened to the teacher talk, and walked back home. I feel like I put the bare minimum effort into my day. But I've got a 3.5 GPA, and I was just invited to join the English Honors Society. I'm getting A's in all of my classes. I don't have a job, and I have very few friends in the area, so I spend my time reading and dicking around. Thinking about it just makes my life sound so ridiculously easy.

I guess the thing that freaks me out the most is the fact that I can do whatever I want. That means that each and every mistake and wrong turn I make is completely my fault. I'm drifting through college studying English literature (which, despite the fact that it feels a little repetative by now, still fascinates me); what if I should be doing something more productive?

Nope, don't care. I can do whatever I want. I'm studying what I want, when I want to study it. I'm going to come home to a cool apartment every day and eat a nice dinner and do thirty minutes of homework and spend the rest of the time wondering what it will be like in Tokyo next year.

My First College Party

Heh, it was a small birthday party, only about a dozen people. But it really was my first college party. My roommate's boyfriend turned 21 yesterday and he invited a bunch of people to a bar downtown. I think that I was the only one there underage, but a couple of other people weren't drinking so it was okay. I have three or four Mountain Dews and cheered Brent on as people ordered him more and more drinks, then I went home with some other people around 11 p.m. because we had classes in the morning. So, not much happened. But it was fun! I'm such a party animal!

It makes me feel a little better to know that I can go to a party and chat with people who I barely know without feeling too horribly uncomfortable; lately I have been very antisocial, especially in classes, and that won't get me anywhere. Then again, it makes me wonder at what point one is selling out by changing who they are. It's a good thing to remove myself from my comfort zone, because that is the best way to improve myself, right? Blegh, I'm tired so I'm done with my rant.

Cha-Bang

Yeah...haven't written on here in a while. But I wandered back and remembered how pretty the background and header were. I like it here.

So...I'm in a different apartment now, about 200 miles from my family. Going to a public university, yay. I'm studying French, Japanese, and English literature. Good fun, it is. I'm such a nerd.

EDIT: Wow, I just read through my old posts, and they're all pretty deep. I have to wonder if anyone even read them.

My New Place

I've officially got my own apartment now. ^_^

Stand Still

Stand Still

I'm not asking you to tell me
what life is for
or even to be by my side today
and the next
and the next.

I just want to know if
what I'm feeling is pain;
or something deeper;
or nothing at all.

Can you tell me how to get
from A to B to C
and still be able to breathe
in the end?

When I've learned, you can step away
turn your back, run.
But for now, just stand still.
Please stand still.

My Writing

I used to play guitar (as you can see). A real guitar, too, not just a tennis racket. I wrote before that, then started playing and taking lessons from a friend of a friend. After a while, I became bored and stopped getting better (my hands are small, so my reach was pathetic and painful), so I stopped. After that, I started writing again.

That was about a year ago. At the time, I figured that I stopped playing guitar because there were so many kids my age and younger around me who could play pretty much any song, and who had been performing for live audiences for years (a couple even had CDs made). So, is the only reason I write because there isn't anyone around me who is ten times better? Maybe if I was friends with Michael Collins or something, I would feel like crap about my own writing, and I would stop. Or would I want to work harder to get closer to his level? It unsettles me to know that it would probably be the former. What will happen when I start college, and I begin working in the journalism program? If there are writers there who are better and more experienced than I am, then will I stop writing? How am I ever going to have a career if I keep becoming intimidated like that?

And yet, this pleases me, because I've found something to work on about myself. Maybe this will help: I promise to never completely stop writing for any reason. We'll have to see what the future brings.

My Epiphany of Life

At last, I have ascended. Hah! Even in the final moments among the many Below, they frowned upon me, they scorned my presence, they deemed me, ME, a traitor to the Below because I craved ascension. And now I’ve gained it, and they hate me for it! O, how their blood boils in its veins, how their mighty anger must blind their vision and play tricks on their minds! I, the traitor, have been invited to the place above you all! The ruthless tactics of a traitor have showed themselves useful this day. They never saw it coming. The sly word in to an Above, the tender misplacement of an important document, they never saw me plotting and planning behind it all! Not me!

But what’s this? Even as I gaze down at the tender, dull Below from my perch in the Above, I can hear a call, a call resounding throughout the Above causing my new equals to move, to work, work harder than my forgotten friends Below, harder even than I worked to ascend to this level! What makes them move thusly, as though the devil was behind them chasing them out of the depths of hell? Must I move this way?Yes, I feel it in my bones; I feel the call to which I must answer. How may I serve the call?

Yes, I see. It is the above of the above. It is the towering end of my journeys! The Top swallows us up; it uses our strength to its end. How may I serve you?! How may I become you? I understand now. The Below, it is nothing. To perch in the Above and glare at the below is suicide! The Top must be my goal. I will be a traitor to the Above. But I will be the Top in the end.

My Insomnia

I'm afraid of disappointing people. With some of my friends -- Andrea, Michelle (when we were friends), etc -- this isn't a problem because they express their discontent immediately when I do something wrong. It makes me fearless around them; hanging out with Andrea is the most comfortable thing in the world. On the other hand, people like me -- Leah, Derek, Jessica, etc -- terrify me, because they hide it when their upset (usually for my sake). So when I borrow money from Leah for lunch or something, I spent the entire rest of the day wondering if she was really willing to give it to me, or was I just so pushy about it that she had no choice? Or when I go home early when it's slow in the deli and leave Jessica to close, I stay up in bed wondering if when she told me I could go, if she was actually hoping I'd stay and keep her company. Sometimes, I tune in to my own feelings when I do something like that (telling a person they can leave when I really want the company), and I know that it really isn't a big deal. But it feels so huge to me.

The biggest problem with this is that I am a very confident person; my friends even used to call me arrogant and egotistical. I wanted to stop being so sensitive, because I realized how much I overreacted to small things. Now, I have one side of myself telling me to leave the deli as soon as possible, and another side punching me in the stomach as hard as it can, and telling me not to leave Jessica alone just because I'm bored. The former wins, but the latter catches up later. Like now, when I can't sleep because I'm wondering if the reason she was so compliant was that she wanted me to decide to stay.

Gah, I hope the arrogance wins out, because late at night, when the Mountain Dew wears off and I'm really tired, the fear comes back to punch me in the stomach some more, as hard as it can over and over until I have to get up out of bed and rant about it.

My Decision

About four months ago, I officially broke up with my best friend. She had been taken in by the fear of life because of graduation, plus almost getting pregnant, and it was too much for her. She pulled her friends in tightly, wouldn't let us breathe. She stopped listening to what I said; she used to say I was a good friend for telling her the truth, but she no longer wanted to hear the truth. She held equal expectations of everyone, even if we couldn't live up to those expectations. She was never alone, always had to have someone beside her. She began telling people that honesty was her greatest attribute, but she used it without empathy. So one day, during my birthday party that she forgot to attend, she invited me and my friends over to talk. She attacked you in front of me and Leah, and I attacked back for you. I told her everything I needed to, and she still refused to hear. I begged her, crying, to listen to me and not blame me for what was about to happen, but she wouldn't listen. So I told her I wouldn't be her friend.

I don't hate you, but I hate hypocrites. You talked about Michelle, how horrible she was, how stupid she was for not listening to me, for not seeing what was right in front of her face. You agreed with me that it was ridiculous to be so upset about every small thing that happened just because there were no big things to be upset about. And then, you started poking and prodding at me, saying rude things. "I'm just happy to finally see you fail." It rang so true that I cried on the drive home. You started telling me outright that you blamed me for the bad things that happened to you, you told me that you thought I was dishonest, manipulative, and unfeeling simply because I didn't have feelings for you. You said this all as if it were nothing, and God forbid you notice how it upset me and try to talk to me about it. No, because it's all about you. You never had any intention of being my friend. You just want to get laid. Every friend you have is a girl because they're potential girlfriends. You're just "lonely," and no one understands.

You began taking small things I said, and calling them betrayals. I betrayed many times because of something I said or didn't say, no matter what the reasons. The fact that I didn't even know you thought they were wrong until sometimes weeks later when I finally approached you about it didn't seem to bother you. As long as I failed once again, in anything, even our "friendship."

It sounds familiar. One person finding tiny things to be angry at another over. You're doing the same thing Michelle did. So I'll respond in the same way. I don't want to be friends with you. I don't mind seeing you, talking to you at work, but why would I hang out with a person who fights me at every turn, and only wants to see me fall in my face, even if it's only in the person's mind? I'll tell you one thing, though; this was easier than it was with Michelle. I knew her since kindergarten, and I was best friends with her for six years. I sobbed when I broke it off with her, and I had nightmares for months afterwards. I wrote like crazy about everything, about how I felt, and I still didn't have the guts to talk to her in the hallways, because I was afraid she'd pull me back in again. But with you, well, you pushed me away without pulling me back. I've only known you a year, and we only spent a few months of that as friends. Then it was all about you getting a girlfriend.

You almost had me that night in the truck when you explained exactly why we would be good together. Sometimes logic isn't enough. It used to make me so angry that you blamed me for it not working out between us, because I wasn't trying. Think about it Ken; you were trying to convince me! You were in love with me, how in the world was it my job to make it work?

Well, anyway, I hope this all makes sense to you. Like I said, I don't hate you, and I don't mind talking to you at work as long as you don't attack me, which is what usually ends up happening. I won't be a mediator between you and Andrea; if you have a problem with someone ask them about it. Stop asking yourself why you are so lonely and no one understands you, and start asking them. Just sit down for a moment. Don't do to Kirsten or Amanda what you did to me, because I guarentee, while it might grant you a short while of attention, they won't stick around so long as I did.

My Monologue

I wrote my own monologue for the end-of-the-year exam in Drama class. I have no idea why I wrote it, just that I was hyped up on Shakespeare after having to memorize the first twenty lines of Hamlet's "to be, or not to be..." soliloquy. The first thing I inferred from it was that it was a moment in time, an instant in which a man realizes that his great leap in life was only the first stepping stone, and he resolves to continue his journey forever and ever. I showed it to my Drama teacher right after I wrote it, and he told me no one would understand it. I didn't even understand it; I knew what it was about, but I also felt a deeper truth lying beneath the words, just out of reach. Last night, I realized what that truth was.

How can I write something and not even know why I'm writing it, or what it is really about? Does my subconscious have such great understanding of the world that my conscious mind can't keep up?

I guess I ask a lot of questions. That's life, right? And now, a quote in honor of Mr. Frantz. I may not see him much after graduation, but he'll always live on through Faulkner.

"All of us failed to match our dreams of perfection.
So I rate us on the basis of our splendid failure
To do the impossible." ~William Faulkner