My Anger

I know I haven't written in here a while, but I rarely feel like this so I figured that I should record this momentus occasion.

I'm a little pissed off.

I just got my grades for a group project and my final paper in my World Literature class, and they were both C's. Granted, I didn't do anything above and beyond what I normally do in literature classes: I wrote all of my papers to the best of my ability, showed up every day, contributed to discussion, and generally was a normal student. I did what was expected of me, what I was supposed to do. I did the same things I do in every other class, and I've never gotten a C until now. It really pisses me off that I could do everything I'm supposed to do, and still me a few points away from having to retake the class!

And what sucks even more is that I'm not the kind of person to act on my anger. I would loooooove to punch something right now, and I could because my roommate is gone, but I'm not going to because I would feel stupid. It seems like I can't show any emotion except for happiness -- whether it's real or not -- or else I feel like an idiot.

When I was a kid, I wouldn't even show my happiness around anyone except my family. I was afraid that my reaction would disappoint them, so even when my grandma got me something awesome for Christmas I would try to keep a blank face. I have a picture of my staring at a goldfish that my grandma got me for my birthday when I was six, and I remember being happy, but thinking that I couldn't show it because it wouldn't be happy enough, so I just didn't show anything.

Yeah, that's pretty weird, right? I've been working on it, and now I can appear very pleased when I meet and talk to new people, but I still feel very anxious around Christmas and my birthday because I'm afraid of disappointing people with my reaction, even if I get what I want.

So anyway, I hate my World Lit teacher, and I almost didn't pass the class, but I'm not going to do anything about it except post in this blog, which no one even reads, and probably watch some TV until the anger ebbs away.