My Insomnia

I'm afraid of disappointing people. With some of my friends -- Andrea, Michelle (when we were friends), etc -- this isn't a problem because they express their discontent immediately when I do something wrong. It makes me fearless around them; hanging out with Andrea is the most comfortable thing in the world. On the other hand, people like me -- Leah, Derek, Jessica, etc -- terrify me, because they hide it when their upset (usually for my sake). So when I borrow money from Leah for lunch or something, I spent the entire rest of the day wondering if she was really willing to give it to me, or was I just so pushy about it that she had no choice? Or when I go home early when it's slow in the deli and leave Jessica to close, I stay up in bed wondering if when she told me I could go, if she was actually hoping I'd stay and keep her company. Sometimes, I tune in to my own feelings when I do something like that (telling a person they can leave when I really want the company), and I know that it really isn't a big deal. But it feels so huge to me.

The biggest problem with this is that I am a very confident person; my friends even used to call me arrogant and egotistical. I wanted to stop being so sensitive, because I realized how much I overreacted to small things. Now, I have one side of myself telling me to leave the deli as soon as possible, and another side punching me in the stomach as hard as it can, and telling me not to leave Jessica alone just because I'm bored. The former wins, but the latter catches up later. Like now, when I can't sleep because I'm wondering if the reason she was so compliant was that she wanted me to decide to stay.

Gah, I hope the arrogance wins out, because late at night, when the Mountain Dew wears off and I'm really tired, the fear comes back to punch me in the stomach some more, as hard as it can over and over until I have to get up out of bed and rant about it.