My Decision

About four months ago, I officially broke up with my best friend. She had been taken in by the fear of life because of graduation, plus almost getting pregnant, and it was too much for her. She pulled her friends in tightly, wouldn't let us breathe. She stopped listening to what I said; she used to say I was a good friend for telling her the truth, but she no longer wanted to hear the truth. She held equal expectations of everyone, even if we couldn't live up to those expectations. She was never alone, always had to have someone beside her. She began telling people that honesty was her greatest attribute, but she used it without empathy. So one day, during my birthday party that she forgot to attend, she invited me and my friends over to talk. She attacked you in front of me and Leah, and I attacked back for you. I told her everything I needed to, and she still refused to hear. I begged her, crying, to listen to me and not blame me for what was about to happen, but she wouldn't listen. So I told her I wouldn't be her friend.

I don't hate you, but I hate hypocrites. You talked about Michelle, how horrible she was, how stupid she was for not listening to me, for not seeing what was right in front of her face. You agreed with me that it was ridiculous to be so upset about every small thing that happened just because there were no big things to be upset about. And then, you started poking and prodding at me, saying rude things. "I'm just happy to finally see you fail." It rang so true that I cried on the drive home. You started telling me outright that you blamed me for the bad things that happened to you, you told me that you thought I was dishonest, manipulative, and unfeeling simply because I didn't have feelings for you. You said this all as if it were nothing, and God forbid you notice how it upset me and try to talk to me about it. No, because it's all about you. You never had any intention of being my friend. You just want to get laid. Every friend you have is a girl because they're potential girlfriends. You're just "lonely," and no one understands.

You began taking small things I said, and calling them betrayals. I betrayed many times because of something I said or didn't say, no matter what the reasons. The fact that I didn't even know you thought they were wrong until sometimes weeks later when I finally approached you about it didn't seem to bother you. As long as I failed once again, in anything, even our "friendship."

It sounds familiar. One person finding tiny things to be angry at another over. You're doing the same thing Michelle did. So I'll respond in the same way. I don't want to be friends with you. I don't mind seeing you, talking to you at work, but why would I hang out with a person who fights me at every turn, and only wants to see me fall in my face, even if it's only in the person's mind? I'll tell you one thing, though; this was easier than it was with Michelle. I knew her since kindergarten, and I was best friends with her for six years. I sobbed when I broke it off with her, and I had nightmares for months afterwards. I wrote like crazy about everything, about how I felt, and I still didn't have the guts to talk to her in the hallways, because I was afraid she'd pull me back in again. But with you, well, you pushed me away without pulling me back. I've only known you a year, and we only spent a few months of that as friends. Then it was all about you getting a girlfriend.

You almost had me that night in the truck when you explained exactly why we would be good together. Sometimes logic isn't enough. It used to make me so angry that you blamed me for it not working out between us, because I wasn't trying. Think about it Ken; you were trying to convince me! You were in love with me, how in the world was it my job to make it work?

Well, anyway, I hope this all makes sense to you. Like I said, I don't hate you, and I don't mind talking to you at work as long as you don't attack me, which is what usually ends up happening. I won't be a mediator between you and Andrea; if you have a problem with someone ask them about it. Stop asking yourself why you are so lonely and no one understands you, and start asking them. Just sit down for a moment. Don't do to Kirsten or Amanda what you did to me, because I guarentee, while it might grant you a short while of attention, they won't stick around so long as I did.