I2 or J3

I think I've decided once and for all to drop out of Intensive Japanese. I feel like a coward for throwing in the towel, but it's just too much stress, too much pressure to keep up with the darn Korean kids...damn those Koreans...because I'll always be ten steps behind them and just doing well enough to be acceptable in class. I mean, I passed Intensive I with a B and even then I knew half the stuff we learned the first month and a half. Probably the only reason I really want to stay anyway is because of the other students. We were so close last semester and I would feel left out if I left them behind now.

So I'm going to switch into J3, which is only 6 credits instead of 12 meaning that I have to pick up two more classes: history and French. w00t. Well, Advanced French Writing (which I've already done at GVSU, just never with Japanese as the default language) and Modern Japanese History (with Eyrun, yay!) and hopefully after I get back into writing papers and speaking in English in class once in a while I'll feel better. Not that it will do a lot of good for my Japanese ability...but at least I'll have time to actually process the things that I'm learning in class.

I guess there's another reason why I wanted to stay in I2 but it doesn't matter anyway because...things never quite work out the way you plan anyway.

I Heart Kanji

I fucking hate when there is kanji on the homework that we aren't supposed to know. It's so annoying when I have to go through the stupid book to find one kanji to do one problem. And sometimes, it's not in the book. It's not exactly like I can type it into the fucking dictionary and see what it is. Kanji dictionaries are not required to take this class, therefore I should not HAVE to use one while doing my homework. It's a waste of my time, and it's frustrates me to no end! Then I end up skipping the question and getting it wrong. I know that while studying a foreign language it's best to teach the students from one step ahead of where they are, but it doesn't work when they can't figure out what the fuck is going on, and they get so frustrated that they just give up.

I guess I'm just in a bad mood. I'm so oversensitive.

I Break for Linguistics

There was a bug in my room a few minutes ago. I sort of wandered away (deathly afraid of it flying at my face or something) and wandered the halls until I finally grabbed Eyrun and made her get rid of it for me. She's such a good friend. ^_^ I was actually considering spending the rest of the night in the study room....

Anyway, on to linguistics. One of the Korean kids in my Japanese class has the hardest time making the z-sound, it's adorable. He also doesn't distinguish between ch- and sh-, so instead of saying 'chigai' (different), he says 'shigai' (corpse). But the best thing is that he really really tries to pronounce it well, and when he says a word with a z- or ch- sound he smiles and sort of looks around at us and repeats it to make sure he got it right. It's adorable.

It's easy to hear the differences between Japanese pronunciation and non-Japanese pronunciation of Japanese words in other foreign students, but it's difficult to hear it in my own speech. It's been brought to my attention, though, that my most blatant give-away (not that I could pass for Japanese, but anyway) is my pronunciation of d- in the middle of a word. American English (standard and most non-standard dialects) replace the d-sound with a flapped r in the middle of words -- consider the difference in the d's between the words dime (hard d-sound) and puddle (flapped r). Unfortunately, in Japanese the flapped r-sound is practically identical to the actual r-sound, so I pronounce words like 'kudasai', 'kurasai'. It's physically difficult for me to make the d-sound in the middle of the word! It just seems like an odd problem to have, since the d-sound is such an easy one to make. It sure isn't he French r- or u-. I just naturally do the flapped r-.

You Are All Free

"I am not afraid to keep on living
I am not afraid to walk this world alone
Honey if you stay you'll be forgiven
Nothing you can say can stop me going home."
~MCR

"Every person, all the events of your life are there because you have drawn them there. What you choose to do with them is up to you."

"Your ignorance is measured by the depth of your belief in injustice and tragedy. What the caterpillar calls the end of the world, the master calls a butterfly."

"You are free to smile in the midst of massive tests and challenges knowing that you have chosen to play this game."

"You are all.
Free.
To do.
Whatever.
You want.
To do."
~Richard Bach

Japan Stories II

"I will sit in front of you for 4 hours. As long as you don't talk to me."

Cori is the only student in her Comparative Religions class, as in she sits in front of the teacher and he lectures -- at her -- for four hours. Naturally, a college student doesn't have the ability to focus for that long, and she actually ZONED OUT only to realize that he had asked her a question and was waiting for the answer.

Just outside the south gate, on Mitaka's main street, there are two ramen shops side by side sending the steamy smell of oily brother wafting down across the sidewalk, momentarily filling the air as we shoot by on our bikes.

Today I got upset when the dictionary.com translator wouldn't translate Icelandic to English.

"You can lie in class, but you have to live with the reputation." ~Ichikawa sensei

"I'm a black person." ~ Z

I think that I made progress in Japanese language today: I found that my roommates and other people from Global House would often speak to me in Japanese and I would completely understand and respond in English. That's a step in the right direction, right? I'm a little hesitant about responding in Japanese because so far I've only learned formal Japanese and it sounds kind of stupid. But tomorrow in class we'll learn short form so hopefully I'll be able to start using it soon.

10/5/08

"Sorry, I'll give the book back as soon as I can."
"I can't read your apologies at night before I go to bed!"
~Me and Erykha

"I wanna be a ... ペンギン。”　(penguin, with Japanese accent)
~Cory

"I feel like we're foreign."
~Eyrun in Shibuya

What the hell is Tokyo Tower? Is it really a copy of the Eiffel Tower? Does it have a function? Are Japanese people proud of it? How does it relate to Western culture?

10/6/08

Eyrun told me all about her culture's (Iceland's) belief in fairies while we were studying last week. They lure people into large rocks, so the government actually builds roads around rocks rather than moving them.
"Never follow a fairy into a rock."
She also said that Santa Clause's mother eats children? And her cat too.

Japan is such a homogeneous, group-oriented society that there are countless grammar structures based solely on asking for agreement. Even giving information in Japanese should be followed by "でしょう” or "I think" (whether you're sure or not) in order to lighten the blow of one person knowing more than another.

I'm thinking about writing really formal looking letters to my family in Japanese and including a dramatic translation that has nothing to do with the actual content.

10/10/08

The natives can take pictures of the gaijin!

I started a bucket list last night. It includes so far:

random long-distance bike ride
live in France more than one year
Visit New York
Visit Iceland
Visit Rome +
Learn 5 languages by 30 (at least advanced level)
Finish 'Running' (old story from high school)

The kanji for medicine is in two parts; the symbol for gross and the symbol for fun. o_0

Z dropped a paperclip down her shirt in the middle of class one day and she quite discretely laughed about it and fished it out. I mean seriously, we were sitting in a circle and I was the only one who noticed. Kudos to Z.

The same day as the paperclip incident (I think), I was pretty giddy so as the teacher went around the room showing the class the kanji on her chapstick, I pulled mine our and showed it off to Z who oohed and aahed.

ーせんとうからかえってからごはんを食べます。
lit: bath from returning after food eat
<-----You read it this way in English! <---

I read an article back home arguing that English and Japanese grammar were complete opposites. This amazes me, especially now that I can completely see it!

Japan Stories

Stories I've recorded the past two weeks of living in Japan.

9/10/08

One of Tyler's roommates keeps falling asleep in Tyler's bed. Tyler says they're just talking, then they wander into his room, still talking. Then Ko lays down and covers up, still talking. Then they stop talking for a second and when Tyler turns around, Ko is fast asleep. So Tyler turns off the light, locks the door, and leaves like he's not even there.

There is a legendary dog statue in Shibuya. Apparently about 70 or 80 years ago, a man's dog used to wait for him there every day after work, and when the man died, the dog continued to wait. So they built a statue in the station to commemorate the dog.

In contrast to Tyler's roommate, Erik (a classmate) gets no sleep! He lives in a men's dorm (which has no private rooms or air conditioning) and he's busy all day and can't go to sleep until his roommate does, usually around 2 a.m. He says he sometimes naps during the day, but only sleep for about four hours a night. I'm so lucky to have my own room!

Zee is Italian, has been in Italy all her life save for one years in Chicago for college, and because her mother and aunt are American and helped raise her and spoke English to her, she has a nearly flawless American accent. it's disconcerting when she says she's Italian and she sounds so American, or at least it was at first. I think I'm getting used to it now.

For the first time today, I sat with friends in Japan and laughed and mad stupid jokes and was completely at home. I can't believe I've only know these people for 9 days! We get along like we've known each other forever.

9/14/08

Erykah, Eyrun, and I ended up at a shrine festival yesterday when we were visiting Kichijouji. it was amazing; I'd seen shrine festivals in anime and manga, full of food and half the people in traditional clothing, but seeing it come to life was almost a shock. We even had some of the food and it was different. one thing we had was pretty much grilled bread with BBQ sauce.

A bunch of us went out for an Italian restaurant for dinner Friday night and Dominique next to me said something of which I only picked out the words "librarian" and "cute." Now the librarian at our school is cute, so I quietly agreed and Dom was confused so I was confused until finally I realized that she'd said his daughter was cute, because he was at the table right next to us. We had a laugh, (all this time I think he knew that we knew him because he kept his face turned away -- he's shy about his English) and we talked about something else, until Cori, across from us, who was apparently the only one at the table who didn't get the whole conversation, blurted out loudly, "So you think the librarian's cute?" And then everyone starts laughing as quietly as possible and Dom, red in the face, whispers, "No, I said his daughter is cute!" And we all try to gesture to his table until she realizes what she did and she starts laughing and gets red too. he left soon after that and I never saw his face even halfway turn toward us.

We had our first official dorm meeting today, and since two thirds of the students are Japanese and most of the remainder speak Japanese, much of the discussion was in Japanese. They translated everything they could, but when students started asking questions and arguing, there was no time to translate what was going on. So there were long stretches when maybe 15 or 20 of us couldn't follow. One OYR, a Middle-Eastern students who I don't know well, stood and asked that all discussion be conducted in English. There was an awkward silence and then the people in the front row explained to the leaders that he had requested more translation (they couldn't understand him for his accent) and the leaders sort of whispered amongst themselves about it and the whole thing felt really awkward. But then it seemed ok, because the leaders genuinely accept his concern, and there actually was more translation for the rest of the night. I look forward to spring, when we'll all know enough Japanese to ignore English.

9/15/08

"No offense, Eyrun, but Spanish poeple are dicks."

Z told us a story today about a friend whose boyfriend followed he to England (from Italy), and it was really romantic at first but then they got into a fight and he kept following her and they ended up arguing in the rain and finally he says, "You know what your problem is? You like me. But I love you." Apparently they started making out soon afterward. ^_^

9/16/08

I found out today that the microwave in my kitchen is also an oven, a boiler, and an ice cream maker. An ice cream maker.

On Friday during writing class, the teacher asked Cory to read the directions, which were in English. It was weird. We're so used to reading Japanese. He kept messing up.

Eyrun is the only person in this whole school who is from Iceland. She whispered something to herself in Icelandic, and it shocked her -- she isn't used to hearing it anymore.

9/17/08

Last week I had a cool moment; a Japanese girl and I bumbed into each other and at the same time she said "I'm sorry," I said "Sumimasen."

Today we had our bakayama performance, which went well. Afterward, our 'cool' teacher, Komatsu-sensei, told us about when she was a student at ICU. She had bright pink hair, loads of earrings, and always dressed punk. When she returned to teach, her former teachers didn't even recognize her! She told us that she once burned down the bakayama! She and a friend built an igloo there and doused it in water, freezing it solid. It wouldn't melt, so campus police were getting angry and were going to smash it in with axes. Komatsu wanted to do it herself, but they decided it was too much work to smash it. So they filled it with newspaper and set it on fire. The fire spread through all the grass! The campus police started to come -- they could hear the siren -- so they both ran! No one ever kew it was her, and she made us swear not to tell anyone. She used a mixture of Japanese and English when she was talking, and it was very cool.

I had just finished telling a story today at a Ramen place when Z said I had a really good American accent. She said it was clear and easy to understand and that I enunciated well. I was kind of shocked at first. It's something I've never heard before. But it made me happy.

Tyler didn't get much sleep last night because Ko fell asleep at the end of his bed. So Tyler had to curl up at the head of it.

Global House

So I've been in my new dorm, Global House, at ICU in Tokyo Japan for five days. But it seems more like a month. Classes haven't even started yet, and already I feel like I've been here an entire semester. The week was filled with orientations and orientations and introductions for every part of the campus and lifestyle and programs and clubs and the dorm has meetings every day or twice a day and we're working on an initiation project involving mummy wrap and dancing on a hill during lunchtime for the other students. It's...fast-paced. Add to all of this that I know enough Japanese to introduce myself and talk about the weather, and it's been quite a week. Or five days.

And the thing I find the most annoying is that whenever I send a message or e-mail to someone in the US, I still keep expecting them to reply right away. Time after time, I forget the time difference (^_^), which is 13 hours, which means that right now it's almost 7 p.m. here but 6 a.m. in Michigan. No one will reply to my e-mail!

I have so many friends already; all of the members of Global House tend to stick together, especially the international students. I know almost everyone's name by now (which is amazing, I'm horrible with names), plus there are two French guys who I became friends with and an American girl who went to my home university who I've been hanging out with, so I always have someone to talk to and to do things with! It's weird, because there's so much to do and I'm so used to being bored and doing nothing all day after a summer of idling. The dorm has parties every night!

I already have a Japanese bike, cell phone, and bank account. It just doesn't really seem real...but now it seems so natural. Classes start on Monday and I'm taking an intensive Japanese course; it lasts 6 hours a day, five days a week! I'll improve quickly! A lot of the material, though, is for beginners, so I don't think I'll be too bogged down by material, at least not at first.

So...this is crazy.

Change

You learn something new every day:

In the past few days I've learned that people can change. That I can change. Not from good to bad or vise versa, but just change from who I was to who I am today, quick enough to make me wonder what the hell happened. A deep seeded fear can suddenly just fade away one night and I can wake up the next day with only a lingering sensation that it should be there, that it once was there, and that it's gone. And I start doing things I've never done before and talking in ways I've never spoken before, shocking even myself at how unlike myself I am.

And I think maybe one single person could have shifted me like this, popped out that awkward fear and made me someone different. Not someone I've known forever or even someone I'm in love with. Just a person I began spending too much time with, who rubbed off on me and became my best friend in three months and who I see every day and who I experience new things with, with whom I'm not afraid to experience new things. And isn't that strange? That things could be so different so quickly with seemingly so little effort?

Now onto the physical rant:

I got drunk for the first time in my life last week at a party hosted by my good friend, Michelle. Her boyfriend's friend, Victor, -- who she attests is my perfect match romantically -- was there and was pining for my attention as much I was for his. It was immensely flattering, enough so that I had no problem slamming down shots, especially when, toward the end of the night, he began pouring them for me and taking them with me as we toasted to Dennis Kucinich. By 3 a.m. the party had broken up and most people had gone home (including my catalyst mentioned above) and just before I left, the object of my affection kissed me once, then again and again and I raced out the door smiling to crash on my bed, fully dressed, when I arrived home moments later.

It was a fantastic night. And ever since then, all I've wanted to do is see him again, to talk to him and to connect with him the way we did at the party. Of course, there is the anxious tug that perhaps our getting along so well had more to do with the vodka than actually liking one another, but it was worth finding out, right?

But my catalyst. Oh, I'm pushed and pulled from either end in such a confusing game of attention that no one really seems to be playing but me! My catalyst pines also for my attention, though not in a romantic way. He and I have our own dreams of a future together, living in a large house in France and drinking wine every night after working at our shared book store in downtown Paris. This, of course, after we attend college together (graduate school for me) at MSU as flower children and experience as much of life in the states as we can handle before leaving it all behind. Only a month ago, he and I would openly disdain romantic relationships as a waste of time, energy, and most of all imagination. We already understood each other perfectly, we could read one another at a glance, we shared the same hopes and saw life the same way and every piece of evidence around us attested to the futility of being attached to someone "romantically".

It was just this extra, annoying and unnecessary thing. Why bother?

And then I met Victor and I had a great time and after that kiss, after spending most of the next day feeling like shit and lounging around the house trying to be comfortable, all I wanted to do was talk to my catalyst about what it could mean. And, stupid and slow as I am, it took me two days more to figure out that Victor ruined all of our plans.

"I just can't see either of us in a relationship," my catalyst proclaimed. I agreed quickly. I'd never been in a long term relationship, though I often excused that with the fact that all the men I've dated have been hillbilly assholes. And today I had told my catalyst of my desire for something more.

We had just downed a bottle of wine between us and we were sprawled out in his front yard bantering at each other about nothing and everything, and I stumbled through describing to him my need for my exact relationship to him to be mirrored in the one with Victor -- or some man -- with the added bonus of "making out" (as I had put it). In other words, I wanted a best friend plus. I wanted to be in love with someone who was in love with me. And that just didn't work with what my catalyst and I shared.

I know he hadn't meant to, but when he opened me up and took away that poking, prodding fear, he also made it possible for me to open up to other people. And perhaps if he hadn't changed me so drastically, our future-dreams would still be pulling us through the summer, instead of being squashed and stomped on by my basic need for more. More and more and more. Selfish and selfish and justified.

That's what I learned today. I hate change.

Global House

I got two big pieces of information today about my study abroad. One, I received my certificate of eligibility from Japan, which allows me to get a visa which allows me to stay in the country for more than 90 days. Yay! Very important paper. Grand Valley is sending it to my mom's house, so I should have it within a week, then I have to take it to a Japanese consulate either in Detroit or Chicago.

The other thing was that my dad got a package from ICU about my housing. Apparently, I've been accepted into the Global House, which is an on-campus dormitory. It's kinda cool, but I was actually assuming that I'd get an off-campus student apartment in downtown Tokyo...which is what I applied for...I thought...but anyway, the dorm requires a lot more community living (like having chores, group meetings, and wearing giant teddy bear costumes the first week of classes), but I think I'll be alright. I look forward to it.

The Global House is the newest building at ICU. It's also the biggest dorm, housing 64 people. Which isn't a lot in Grand Valley standards. Most of the dorms at ICU have around 24 people. It's insane. Anyway, about half of the people staying in Global House are international students, so I can only hope that I'll be living with people who are going through the same new experiences that I am. We may even have the same classes, since there's only one class for each level of Japanese!

I've been feeling a lot better about going lately. Ever since Kanako-san started e-mailing me (the girl picking me up from the airport and showing me around the first day), I've been much much more at ease about the whole thing. I've even had a lot of good dreams about it. Plus, I've been chatting with this French guy on Facebook who is also going this fall. It's very reassuring to know that I will at least have a couple of connections when I go there. ^_^

Robin Hobb Quotes

"This, more than anything else, is what I have never understood about your people. You can roll a dice, and understand that the whole game may hinge on one turn of a die. You deal out cards, and say that all a man's fortune for the night may turn upon one hand. But a man's whole life, you sniff at, and say, what, this nought of a human, this fisherman, this carpenter, this thief, this cook, why, what can they do in the great wide world? And so you putter and sputter your lives away, like candles burning in a draught."

~The Fool, Royal Assassin

"No. This is right. I feel it. I am the Catalyst, and I came to change all things. Prophets become warriors, dragons hunt as wolves."

~Fitz, Assassin's Quest

"Stop using every mistake you make as an excuse to fail completely."

"Everyone thinks that courage is about facing death without flinching. But almost anyone can do that. Almost anyone can hold their breath and not scream for as long as it takes to die. True courage is facing life without flinching. I don't mean the times when the right path is hard, but glorious at the end. I'm talking about enduring the boredom, and messiness, and the inconvenience of doing what is right."

"Half the evil in this world occurs while decent people stand by and do nothing wrong. It's not enough to refrain from evil, Trell. People have to attempt to do right, even if they believe they cannot succeed."

"How old must I be before I learn? There is no time; there is never any time. Tomorrow may never come, but todays are linked inexorably in a chain, and now is always the only time we have to divert disaster."

~Amber, Map Ship

My Final Exams

I had my finals for my summer classes earlier today. They were two interviews for my French classes -- that's high stress. I'm fine with finals that are impersonal; if all you have to do is go in, write for two hours, then leave, then I can handle it. I can do it, then put it behind me and hope for the best. But interviews...I've been going through everything I said all day and wondering how I could have done better, or whether or not I lived up to the professor's expectations. It's scary.

And I really really really really hope I won't feel this way every day when I'm in Japan, because that's going to be nothing but one big language class. One thing that keeps my hopes up, though, is that the Japanese language classes that I took at Grand Valley were the only classes that I've ever wanted to continue after the semester is over. I didn't want them to end, so that gives me hope for my classes in Japan.

THANK GOD summer classes are over!

Oh yeah, and I've been listening to nothing but Tokio Hotel for weeks. 'Cuz that makes so much sense.

My Buddies

Honestly, I just want someone to play with. I'm tired of doing things alone. :(

I want a best friend who takes all the same classes I do (even if they feel differently about everything that goes on in them) and who will go to Japan with me and spend the year with me.

So I grasping at straws, hoping that someone will take hold of the other end.

My Battles

I don't really know how, but I found myself trying to explain to a classmate on Tuesday that even though I'm shy and timid I try to put myself into uncomfortable situations in order to become stronger. It was difficult to get the idea across -- probably because I was trying to do it in French -- but I realized while I was saying it how true it is. I do some crazy things for someone who is so introverted.

When I was a kid, I was afraid of showing emotion to people around me because I didn't want them to dislike me or be disappointed or angry. I was afraid to go into a store by myself or talk to strangers (or aunts and uncles). When I first started driving I would avoid gas stations that didn't have pre-pay because I was afraid to go inside and speak to the cashier. Same with waiters at restaurants -- went out of my way to avoid communicating with them. I hate answering my phone unless it's a member of my family calling. I'm extremely shy.

So I could just get a nice, quiet job at the library or the college and rent a cheap apartment and be by myself or with my family all the time and never have to worry about communicating or being uncomfortable with people.

Instead, I go out of my way to do these things.

At first it was a real effort to make myself speak with people. At first it was cashiers, waitresses, teachers in the hallways at my high school, people online...it got easier when I got a job and was forced to communicate. Now it seems like everything I do is terrifying in some way, but I still do it as though it doesn't phase me at all.

In order to apply for my study abroad program, I had to ask for recommendations from several teachers. I was horrified that I would have to ask this of them, favors from people who barely know me except from classes. But I pretended like it was no big deal and did it. And now, if I had to ask for a recommendation from a professor I could do it and only feel a twinge of guilt (for taking some of their time).

Going to Japan is terrifying sometimes...most of the time. But I'm still doing it. For some reason I cannot comprehend, my ambition constantly outweighs my fears and I'm constantly putting myself into these horribly uncomfortable situations. But it's working...I'm not afraid of cashiers anymore. ^_^

My Babbling

I found out in Applied Linguistics last semester that people learning a second language go through the same steps as children learning their first language: babbling, testing sounds, words and phrases, making specific mistakes even after learning the rules, and things like that. So I'm not afraid to admit this.

I babble to myself in French.

Not like rambling on about something no one cares about, but babbling nonsensical phrases that have nothing to do with anything and changing one word or conjugation here and there just to see what it sounds like. And I do this not while I'm studying French, but while I'm driving to the store or taking a shower or drawing a picture. The most random things come out. My all-time favorite: "There is something like that here." This phrase, and various other forms of it with pretty much the same words, plagues my mind. I've never thought it or said it in reference to anything, only as random words that sound nice together to me.

Il y a quelque chose comme ça ici.

All day and night.

Babble babble babble.

So I believe I'm pretty much around 3.5 to 4 years right now. I should make some French toddler friends.

My Anticipation

My feelings about going to Japan vary from week to week. Last week I was estatic about running off and experiencing a new life somewhere so far away, but this week I completely dread it. Times like this I wonder what I was thinking when I decided that going so far away for so long would be a good idea. I know so little Japanese and I'm so inexperienced when it comes to cultural adaptation...how am I supposed to cope with being away from my family for so long?

So right now my entire decision doesn't make any sense. But I'm not really going to do anything about it because I know I'll probably feel differently about it next week. Sometimes I just can't wait to go, sometimes it seems too far away to consider, and sometimes I can't believe what an idiot I am. It's really annoying. How am I going to feel the day I leave?

My Week

I had this week off as a break between the Winter and Spring semesters, and a few awesome things happened. First of all, I went to a Hillary Clinton convention on Saturday (or was dragged to one, really). My sister's friend Jason is obsessed with Hillary, so we showed up eight hours early only to find that not even the volunteers arrived until hours later. On the upside, we got to see the news crews and secret service arrive. And the bombsquad. It was fun. Then, when the volunteers got there, we were bored enough to offer our services, so they signed us up to sell buttons to people until the rally.

We spent most of the eight hours before the convention wandering around downtown South Bend (the unpleasant side at that), trying to sell Hillary Clinton buttons to pedestrians. At one point, Jason had a giant Hillary flag, which cars would honk at as they drove by (or pull over to tell us to vote for McCain). One car had an Obama t-shirt hanging in the window, and it drove by us a couple of times and we would point at it in faux-shock as it honked. A couple of Obama fans threatened to burn the flag on one street, so we avoided that afterwards. Overall, McCain fans were much nicer (probably because they consist of mostly little old people). It was a good day.

During the rally, Jason and I were seated directly behind Hillary, so we not only appear in many of the photographs of her in the news, but she went directly to our section of seating after her speech, so Jason got her to autograph his sign right afterwards. He was so excited that he almost passed out when she got on stage.

We were both sunburned after that. :(

Wednesday, I received word that I've been officially accepted to ICU in Tokyo, which is a major load off of my back. I was worried, because if I hadn't been accepted, it would have been too late to apply to other programs, and I would have had to give my scholarship money back, and I would have had to register for classes at GVSU again...it would have been really depressing. But I'm accepted, and it's scarier every day.

We moved into our townhouse today, and I finally have my own room!!! Hannah and Brent share one room, and their friend Ryan (who seems nice, but we haven't really talked) has the last room. I'm actually sort of subleasing the room from their friend Tyler, so all of the furniture (and CD collection, and radio) are his, but he won't be here until September. He was really nice about it, assuring me that I'm free to reset his stations and play his CDs if I want, so I pretty much have free reign of his crap until I leave in six weeks.

So, my classes start on Tuesday. I don't really have anything to do until then, which is annoying because Hannah has a job now and Ryan has a job, so it's kind of just me and Brent. We don't really...do anything together. We're connect by Hannah. Oh well, I'll work on my guitar skills and write as much as I can.

Speaking of guitar, Michelle has gotten back into drumming, so she suggested that we start in again on the band...is sort of happens every year, so I figured why not? Playing the guitar is so much fun, and I really wish I had more time to devote to it, but now I have her's with me (which is a really nice, new Fender Strat, deep red) and my fingers are aching (no calluses yet). We've decided to learn a song by the French rock band KYO to start with because it's really easy and unique. I'm not sure if Andrea is really into it, but I sent her the tabs for the song, and I really hope she joins us because it would be a killer song with a strong bass part.

So, French classes for six weeks, two months or so of boredom/freedom (hopefully I can find a job), then off to a country in which I know no one and don't speak the language. One day at a time.

My Semester

I've spent the last semester not only studying linguistics, french, japanese, and (for some reason) healthcare, but also applying for a study abroad and several scholarships to finance it. So it's been pretty busy, busy enough for me to drop my only literature class (it's my major) because it was just too much work and there weren't enough hours in the day.

A few weeks ago I found out that I won a major scholarship, THE biggest study abroad scholarship offered at our school. Not only did I win it (after a pressure-filled interview, I might add), but the amount -- which is generally between $2,000 to $10,000 ended up being $12,000!!! My total estimated financial need is $26,000, and my normal financial aid is around $10,000. So this one scholarship dropped my need to only $4,000. I was so thrilled -- and shocked, since of course I was questioning everything I said in the interview for the entire weekend that they were deliberating -- that I called my dad immediately to tell him.

Anyway, after that the rest of the semester seemed easy as pie. I was invited to a celebratory dinner for scholarship donors and recipients at which I shmoozed it up: very unlike me. There were 600 guests there, and I got a ride from my Honors professor, the head of the Health Sciences Department of the university. I was seated next to the Padnos family, the really rich and really generous family who decided to give me the money, and the President of the university and his wife. I was at THE table, right up front, higher up even than my professor. It was a pretty big night.

Anyway, after all of that, like I said, nothing seems that bad anymore. I think I was really doubting myself before, and I think, after the interview, it was one of those moments that could make my entire mindset turn one of two ways. It was just like during my senior year of high school when I submitted an extremely personal fictionalized short story and a bunch of people got letters signifying that they won the contest but I didn't. I was so stressed out about it that I decided, even wrote down, that if I didn't win I would never write anything personal like that again. I found out a couple of classes later that I did actually win, and I think that it was a really fortunate thing because writing is nothing without those personal moments.

It was the same thing after the interview; I put my whole self into talking to those people, who sat and listened and judged what I was saying and who I was. I was completely honest, and after I left I realized how flaky I must have sounded rattling off all of my varied academic and personal interests and unable to really give them an answer when they asked what I wanted to do with the rest of my life. I honestly told him that I had no career goals because I was still searching for something to be passionate about. After that, for days afterward, I questioned not only my answers in the interview, but my decision to go to Tokyo, to up and leave and explore something so different from what I'm used to without ever having been there or knowing whether or not I would even enjoy it, much less love it.

But during the scholarship dinner, Peg Padnos -- who was part of the interview and helped decide on behalf of the Padnos family who would receive scholarships -- talked about how excited I was when I talked about languages and my interest in Japanese culture, and I realized that by giving me this money for my trip, they were also giving me support for my studies and my future; they were telling me that they believed in what I'm going to do, that they believed that it was worth it and that I would make a different somehow. And, honestly, that meant so much more than the money.

Well anyway, there's one more scholarship that I haven't heard back from yet, so if that turns out well, I'll be extremely happy. Plus, there are grants and scholarships from GVSU that don't require applications; I'll know for sure how much they give me next month probably. So far, things are going really well. This weeks is finals week, then I have six weeks of intensive French classes, then six weeks of hanging out in South Bend, then ten months of living in another country where I barely speak the language.

My Visit From McCain

My day began on a high note when I realized that John McCain was watching me do my homework from the balcony. My friend Jason and I had a quick chat with him about politics in which we explained that we support Hillary Clinton. He was not happy about this revelation.

He scampered off to the left, and we thought he'd gone. Moments later, I realized that he was hiding in the corner when I saw him watching me in the reflection of the television. When he realized that I saw him looking (probably from my screech of horror), he darted back to the middle of the balcony to stare at me head on. We tried to convince him that we simply wouldn't be voting for him, but he wouldn't stop staring and scampering.

Finally, Jason and I started crying, and we begged him to go (he was fatter in person than on television), and we told him that there was no room in the apartment for war heroes. We explained that the people next door were republicans (a lie, but can you blame us?) and he quickly scurried off into the pine trees and hopped into the next balcony and into the apartment next door.

While I feel bad for family next door, I can only be ecstatic that our ordeal is over.

And he lifted his hands above his head, so that's crap.

heh

This may sound weird, but I've been studying French for two years now and sometimes I get really confused because I can't think of the plural for "the"...in English. Just now I was trying to figure out how to say "the people", only plural, and I couldn't figure out what "the" was supposed to change to. Heh, too much French.

My Messed up Family

My dad sent me an e-mail over the weekend saying that my sister Michelle was upset because of a run-in with Joel, my mom's on again off again boyfriend. He told me to e-mail Michelle, so I knew it had to be bad. When she finally e-mailed me back today, she said that Joel had been, for some time, making lude comments to her when my mom wasn't home, things I would never even say. The fact that a grown man was saying these things to a teenager was pretty shocking. Then, on the day my dad had been talking about, she heard sounds coming from under the door to the bathroom while she was getting dressed, and she was afraid that he had been taking pictures of her. So she e-mailed a friend and made her pick her up and take her away for a few hours. She told my mom about it, but they decided that the weird sounds were probably just the cats, and my mom talked to Joel about not saying things like that to Michelle anymore.

Fuck that, I would have kicked him out so fast...this guy is an idiot, and he has already done enough wrong to my mom to warrant a restraining order (around a year ago), but she keeps allowing him to move into the house again and again. It's mostly for financial reasons, I think, but my mom is also lonely. Still, if he's coming onto my little sister now, there is no guarenteeing that he won't do it again, or worse. I can't believe my mom would allow him to stay in the house when there is any sign that he's been doing things like this; she leaves him alone for hours with two teenage girls and a five-year-old.

Ugh, I wish I had more control over the situation. I told Michelle in my return e-mail that she should keep complaining to mom about him and watch out for him. I also told her that she should move in with me, but that probably won't happen; I'm too far away and Michelle is too lazy. This sucks.

My Dreams

In the last two weeks I've had four dreams about hiding. One of them was of me hiding from zombies; the other three were hiding from bad men, usually in my own house (which is often different). The last thing I remember before I wake up is running into a closet as quietly as I can -- sometimes alone, sometimes with my little brother -- and hiding beneath a pile of blankets, hoping that all of the bad people will leave the house without checking the closet. The weird thing is, from what I can remember the bad people/men are usually people who are involved in my dreams before they turn bad. They're secretly evil and I don't find out until the end when I run off to hide.

The zombie one was freaky. I ran off to a tiny house/apartment with my friend Michelle and while we were crouching on the floor we watched a zombie walk by a huge open window. We both froze, staring at the window, hoping he hadn't seen us, then he slowly came back into view and looked at us and moaned and tried to get in through the window, followed by hundreds of other zombies behind him. I woke up after trying to poke them away for a while, and it took me several minutes to calm down and get back to sleep after that.

So...I just thought it was weird that I'm having dreams about hiding so often. It makes me wonder....

My Thoughts on T.S. Eliot

Dear T.S. Eliot,

The English language was created so that we could more clearly express ourselves and communicate with one another. Not to fuck up my GPA.

Love,
Debra