My Battles

I don't really know how, but I found myself trying to explain to a classmate on Tuesday that even though I'm shy and timid I try to put myself into uncomfortable situations in order to become stronger. It was difficult to get the idea across -- probably because I was trying to do it in French -- but I realized while I was saying it how true it is. I do some crazy things for someone who is so introverted.

When I was a kid, I was afraid of showing emotion to people around me because I didn't want them to dislike me or be disappointed or angry. I was afraid to go into a store by myself or talk to strangers (or aunts and uncles). When I first started driving I would avoid gas stations that didn't have pre-pay because I was afraid to go inside and speak to the cashier. Same with waiters at restaurants -- went out of my way to avoid communicating with them. I hate answering my phone unless it's a member of my family calling. I'm extremely shy.

So I could just get a nice, quiet job at the library or the college and rent a cheap apartment and be by myself or with my family all the time and never have to worry about communicating or being uncomfortable with people.

Instead, I go out of my way to do these things.

At first it was a real effort to make myself speak with people. At first it was cashiers, waitresses, teachers in the hallways at my high school, people online...it got easier when I got a job and was forced to communicate. Now it seems like everything I do is terrifying in some way, but I still do it as though it doesn't phase me at all.

In order to apply for my study abroad program, I had to ask for recommendations from several teachers. I was horrified that I would have to ask this of them, favors from people who barely know me except from classes. But I pretended like it was no big deal and did it. And now, if I had to ask for a recommendation from a professor I could do it and only feel a twinge of guilt (for taking some of their time).

Going to Japan is terrifying sometimes...most of the time. But I'm still doing it. For some reason I cannot comprehend, my ambition constantly outweighs my fears and I'm constantly putting myself into these horribly uncomfortable situations. But it's working...I'm not afraid of cashiers anymore. ^_^