My Anger

I know I haven't written in here a while, but I rarely feel like this so I figured that I should record this momentus occasion.

I'm a little pissed off.

I just got my grades for a group project and my final paper in my World Literature class, and they were both C's. Granted, I didn't do anything above and beyond what I normally do in literature classes: I wrote all of my papers to the best of my ability, showed up every day, contributed to discussion, and generally was a normal student. I did what was expected of me, what I was supposed to do. I did the same things I do in every other class, and I've never gotten a C until now. It really pisses me off that I could do everything I'm supposed to do, and still me a few points away from having to retake the class!

And what sucks even more is that I'm not the kind of person to act on my anger. I would loooooove to punch something right now, and I could because my roommate is gone, but I'm not going to because I would feel stupid. It seems like I can't show any emotion except for happiness -- whether it's real or not -- or else I feel like an idiot.

When I was a kid, I wouldn't even show my happiness around anyone except my family. I was afraid that my reaction would disappoint them, so even when my grandma got me something awesome for Christmas I would try to keep a blank face. I have a picture of my staring at a goldfish that my grandma got me for my birthday when I was six, and I remember being happy, but thinking that I couldn't show it because it wouldn't be happy enough, so I just didn't show anything.

Yeah, that's pretty weird, right? I've been working on it, and now I can appear very pleased when I meet and talk to new people, but I still feel very anxious around Christmas and my birthday because I'm afraid of disappointing people with my reaction, even if I get what I want.

So anyway, I hate my World Lit teacher, and I almost didn't pass the class, but I'm not going to do anything about it except post in this blog, which no one even reads, and probably watch some TV until the anger ebbs away.

Mon Français

I started a blog in French just to practice while I'm learning it in school. If you're interested, it's here.

I'm only in French 202, so it will be very elementary writing, just to warn you.

My Bad Weeks

Once a month I convince myself that I'm miserable and that I want to drop out of college. PMS sucks.

My Happy Days

There's just something about a great song or a great moment or image that can drive you crazy for hours or days and make you want to write or paint or at the very least laugh out loud with someone who might feel the same way you do.

I saw Across the Universe over the weekend, and I've been listening to the soundtrack for a couple of days, especially "Across the Universe" and "Strawberry Fields Forever," then there's this song that my sister's been listening to called "Say This Sooner," by The Almost, and it's just happy and peppy and exciting. I just finished reading a happy-go-lucky (mostly) Scrubs fanfiction and now I really feel like writing some more of my story, which is really overdue since I had so many papers to write in the last couple of weeks, but it's midnight and I have Japanese class early tomorrow morning, so I really should get to bed.

I wish I knew more people on messengers. I used to have 30 people on AIM at any given time to talk to, but that was four or five years ago. :( Leah just got offline, so I have no one to talk to. I guess I could go see if SuperV is online...

My Boredom

I realized a couple of days ago that my post about being fortunate with money was me trying to give myself a pep talk. I'm bored. I was trying to convince myself of how good I have it so that I wouldn't do anything stupid. The last time I was this bored, things happened: my mom got pregnant and my parents got divorced. That tied me over for a few years, then I moved out on my own, then moved away to college. But now I'm in my second year at Grand Valley, my second year in the same apartment with the same roommate studying a lot of the same things. It's starting to get to me.

I like to remember that I always have the option of stopping right now and run off. Hannah and I actually discussed running away yesterday. We decided that we could take her $6,000 loan and buy plane tickets to Japan, find jobs teaching English, etc. Except that she doesn't have a passport. Silly Hannah.

I'm really glad that I'll be studying abroad next year, because if I'm this unhappy after staying here for two years, I can't imagine going for a third year.

My Crazy Philosophy

Heh, I posted that whole rant about being thankful for being so fortunate and having money and being able to study whatever I want and go wherever I want in several different places, including my MySpace. Several people replied to the MySpace post, and all of their replies were very different. One thing that caught my attention was my aunt's reply.

My aunt is very nice; I don't know her very well personally, but I look up to her because she has traveled around the world and seems to be a very good person despite being pretty rich. She replied that I should share all of my gifts with those who are less fortunate than me. A very nice sentiment.

I couldn't help but scoff at it.

I know that it's a very nice thing to say, and I know that there a lot of people out there who might be stuck in a sucky situation, like being a single mom who can't get ahead, because if she gets a job she will get less help from the government, and she'll have to pay more rent and pay a babysitter, so really, if she works she'll have less money than she has when she stays home all day with her son. It sucks. There doesn't seem to really be a way out of it unless she gets a boyfriend/sugar-daddy, and how demoralizing is that?

But I digress.

I was saying that there are a lot of people in sucky situations: single moms, homeless people, orphans. And that's just in this country, the U. S. of A. where opportunity is running rampant. I've been reading a lot about Africa lately and the kind of disparity going on there. But that's their lot, right? These are people who were born in a country that is unstable, unbalanced between what was and what is, and they have no choice but to deal with it.

But what can I do to help any of these people? Share my knowledge with them? I can't share my scholarships with them. I could volunteer my time for them, but why are their unfortunate situations my responsibility just because I'm in a good place.

I know that sounds like I'm being a total asshole. I really can see both sides to it; I know why it makes sense for those who have more to give to those who have less. I know I've been frustrated seeing some people buying $1300 pants when I get mine second-hand from my sister. But then again, if that person earned what they got, why should they feel obligated to give it up to people who've done nothing to earn it? Isn't that just harboring a system that rewards those who do nothing?

My friend Andrea's sister's fiance (that's a mouthfull) used to complain that his friend used to brag about living completely off of the government. He and his girlfriend didn't work or go to school or anything, just sat around and recieved checks for doing nothing. Is that fair?

I can't decide, actually. So I just do what feels right to me. If a situation comes along in which I'm able to use what I have to help someone less fortunate, I will probably take it. If not, I'll keep doing what I'm doing.

My Fortune

Every once in a while I am hit with the realization of how fortunate I am. The first time it happened, back in high school, I was working in a deli in a tiny grocery store where business was so slow that I was reading Oliver Twist, by Charles Dickens. I was so into that book about a little kid who walks miles and miles and begs for food and water door to door just so that he can keep walking and sleeps in the street or in an alley every night that when I looked up and realized that I had piles of food right in front of me and I was going home to a house full of food and a bed that was mine I was actually shocked.

It hit me today on my walk home. As I checked my cell phone for messages and changed the song on my iPod, I was thinking about all the things I'd done that day and I realized that it felt like practically nothing.

I was going home to a kitchen full of food that I bought with my dad's money and an apartment with air conditioning and free cable and high speed internet and a shower that never ran out of hot water. This alone would have been wonderful, but add to it that it was all paid for by the $10,000 check that the government gives me every year to go to college (and my dad ^_^). I am being paid to study whatever I want to study. Anything I want. I prove that by studying English literature.

I can do anything I want. I could drop any class right now, or completely rearrange my schedule next semester so that I'm taking nothing but business and Spanish. I could drop my English major and go into Medicine or Law or Modern Dance. In ten years, I could be a scientist or a teacher. I could quit school altogether and get a job, and, even making minimum wage, still be able to pay my rent. I could start my own business, or start selling stuff on eBay and spend all of my time writing. I could sell a few of my possessions, back up the rest of them, and fly to Ireland. I could take off on my bike and ride across the United States.

Next year, the government and my school are going to pay for me to fly to Tokyo and study Japanese and East Asian culture. I want to make it clear that I have given no one any guarentee of my actually utilizing anything I learn in Japan, or for that matter, anything I've learned and will learn in college. I never signed anything stating that I wasn't wasting thousands of dollars doing whatever I wanted to do. Why the hell would they give me so much money every year? Why is the government so intent on letting me do whatever the hell I want to do?

It really amazes me. I came home today between classes. I made myself some chimichangas, played on the internet, probably watched three hours of Top Chef, and fell asleep on the couch for an hour. Then I walked to French class, spoke French for a while, listened to some French music, listened to the teacher talk, and walked back home. I feel like I put the bare minimum effort into my day. But I've got a 3.5 GPA, and I was just invited to join the English Honors Society. I'm getting A's in all of my classes. I don't have a job, and I have very few friends in the area, so I spend my time reading and dicking around. Thinking about it just makes my life sound so ridiculously easy.

I guess the thing that freaks me out the most is the fact that I can do whatever I want. That means that each and every mistake and wrong turn I make is completely my fault. I'm drifting through college studying English literature (which, despite the fact that it feels a little repetative by now, still fascinates me); what if I should be doing something more productive?

Nope, don't care. I can do whatever I want. I'm studying what I want, when I want to study it. I'm going to come home to a cool apartment every day and eat a nice dinner and do thirty minutes of homework and spend the rest of the time wondering what it will be like in Tokyo next year.

My First College Party

Heh, it was a small birthday party, only about a dozen people. But it really was my first college party. My roommate's boyfriend turned 21 yesterday and he invited a bunch of people to a bar downtown. I think that I was the only one there underage, but a couple of other people weren't drinking so it was okay. I have three or four Mountain Dews and cheered Brent on as people ordered him more and more drinks, then I went home with some other people around 11 p.m. because we had classes in the morning. So, not much happened. But it was fun! I'm such a party animal!

It makes me feel a little better to know that I can go to a party and chat with people who I barely know without feeling too horribly uncomfortable; lately I have been very antisocial, especially in classes, and that won't get me anywhere. Then again, it makes me wonder at what point one is selling out by changing who they are. It's a good thing to remove myself from my comfort zone, because that is the best way to improve myself, right? Blegh, I'm tired so I'm done with my rant.

Cha-Bang

Yeah...haven't written on here in a while. But I wandered back and remembered how pretty the background and header were. I like it here.

So...I'm in a different apartment now, about 200 miles from my family. Going to a public university, yay. I'm studying French, Japanese, and English literature. Good fun, it is. I'm such a nerd.

EDIT: Wow, I just read through my old posts, and they're all pretty deep. I have to wonder if anyone even read them.