My Battles

I don't really know how, but I found myself trying to explain to a classmate on Tuesday that even though I'm shy and timid I try to put myself into uncomfortable situations in order to become stronger. It was difficult to get the idea across -- probably because I was trying to do it in French -- but I realized while I was saying it how true it is. I do some crazy things for someone who is so introverted.

When I was a kid, I was afraid of showing emotion to people around me because I didn't want them to dislike me or be disappointed or angry. I was afraid to go into a store by myself or talk to strangers (or aunts and uncles). When I first started driving I would avoid gas stations that didn't have pre-pay because I was afraid to go inside and speak to the cashier. Same with waiters at restaurants -- went out of my way to avoid communicating with them. I hate answering my phone unless it's a member of my family calling. I'm extremely shy.

So I could just get a nice, quiet job at the library or the college and rent a cheap apartment and be by myself or with my family all the time and never have to worry about communicating or being uncomfortable with people.

Instead, I go out of my way to do these things.

At first it was a real effort to make myself speak with people. At first it was cashiers, waitresses, teachers in the hallways at my high school, people online...it got easier when I got a job and was forced to communicate. Now it seems like everything I do is terrifying in some way, but I still do it as though it doesn't phase me at all.

In order to apply for my study abroad program, I had to ask for recommendations from several teachers. I was horrified that I would have to ask this of them, favors from people who barely know me except from classes. But I pretended like it was no big deal and did it. And now, if I had to ask for a recommendation from a professor I could do it and only feel a twinge of guilt (for taking some of their time).

Going to Japan is terrifying sometimes...most of the time. But I'm still doing it. For some reason I cannot comprehend, my ambition constantly outweighs my fears and I'm constantly putting myself into these horribly uncomfortable situations. But it's working...I'm not afraid of cashiers anymore. ^_^

My Babbling

I found out in Applied Linguistics last semester that people learning a second language go through the same steps as children learning their first language: babbling, testing sounds, words and phrases, making specific mistakes even after learning the rules, and things like that. So I'm not afraid to admit this.

I babble to myself in French.

Not like rambling on about something no one cares about, but babbling nonsensical phrases that have nothing to do with anything and changing one word or conjugation here and there just to see what it sounds like. And I do this not while I'm studying French, but while I'm driving to the store or taking a shower or drawing a picture. The most random things come out. My all-time favorite: "There is something like that here." This phrase, and various other forms of it with pretty much the same words, plagues my mind. I've never thought it or said it in reference to anything, only as random words that sound nice together to me.

Il y a quelque chose comme ça ici.

All day and night.

Babble babble babble.

So I believe I'm pretty much around 3.5 to 4 years right now. I should make some French toddler friends.

My Anticipation

My feelings about going to Japan vary from week to week. Last week I was estatic about running off and experiencing a new life somewhere so far away, but this week I completely dread it. Times like this I wonder what I was thinking when I decided that going so far away for so long would be a good idea. I know so little Japanese and I'm so inexperienced when it comes to cultural adaptation...how am I supposed to cope with being away from my family for so long?

So right now my entire decision doesn't make any sense. But I'm not really going to do anything about it because I know I'll probably feel differently about it next week. Sometimes I just can't wait to go, sometimes it seems too far away to consider, and sometimes I can't believe what an idiot I am. It's really annoying. How am I going to feel the day I leave?

My Week

I had this week off as a break between the Winter and Spring semesters, and a few awesome things happened. First of all, I went to a Hillary Clinton convention on Saturday (or was dragged to one, really). My sister's friend Jason is obsessed with Hillary, so we showed up eight hours early only to find that not even the volunteers arrived until hours later. On the upside, we got to see the news crews and secret service arrive. And the bombsquad. It was fun. Then, when the volunteers got there, we were bored enough to offer our services, so they signed us up to sell buttons to people until the rally.

We spent most of the eight hours before the convention wandering around downtown South Bend (the unpleasant side at that), trying to sell Hillary Clinton buttons to pedestrians. At one point, Jason had a giant Hillary flag, which cars would honk at as they drove by (or pull over to tell us to vote for McCain). One car had an Obama t-shirt hanging in the window, and it drove by us a couple of times and we would point at it in faux-shock as it honked. A couple of Obama fans threatened to burn the flag on one street, so we avoided that afterwards. Overall, McCain fans were much nicer (probably because they consist of mostly little old people). It was a good day.

During the rally, Jason and I were seated directly behind Hillary, so we not only appear in many of the photographs of her in the news, but she went directly to our section of seating after her speech, so Jason got her to autograph his sign right afterwards. He was so excited that he almost passed out when she got on stage.

We were both sunburned after that. :(

Wednesday, I received word that I've been officially accepted to ICU in Tokyo, which is a major load off of my back. I was worried, because if I hadn't been accepted, it would have been too late to apply to other programs, and I would have had to give my scholarship money back, and I would have had to register for classes at GVSU again...it would have been really depressing. But I'm accepted, and it's scarier every day.

We moved into our townhouse today, and I finally have my own room!!! Hannah and Brent share one room, and their friend Ryan (who seems nice, but we haven't really talked) has the last room. I'm actually sort of subleasing the room from their friend Tyler, so all of the furniture (and CD collection, and radio) are his, but he won't be here until September. He was really nice about it, assuring me that I'm free to reset his stations and play his CDs if I want, so I pretty much have free reign of his crap until I leave in six weeks.

So, my classes start on Tuesday. I don't really have anything to do until then, which is annoying because Hannah has a job now and Ryan has a job, so it's kind of just me and Brent. We don't really...do anything together. We're connect by Hannah. Oh well, I'll work on my guitar skills and write as much as I can.

Speaking of guitar, Michelle has gotten back into drumming, so she suggested that we start in again on the band...is sort of happens every year, so I figured why not? Playing the guitar is so much fun, and I really wish I had more time to devote to it, but now I have her's with me (which is a really nice, new Fender Strat, deep red) and my fingers are aching (no calluses yet). We've decided to learn a song by the French rock band KYO to start with because it's really easy and unique. I'm not sure if Andrea is really into it, but I sent her the tabs for the song, and I really hope she joins us because it would be a killer song with a strong bass part.

So, French classes for six weeks, two months or so of boredom/freedom (hopefully I can find a job), then off to a country in which I know no one and don't speak the language. One day at a time.