Let's Not Be Friends

I've recently decided that I don't like people.

I know that might be something that gets thrown around a bit in jest, but I really believe that I could go live in a cave somewhere alone and be happy.

There are three categories of people: ones I don't know, ones I'm acquainted with, and ones I'm friends with. If I don't know you, 90% of the time I'm automatically annoyed with you. If you're an acquaintance and we only talk about school/work/however we know each other, that drops to 50%. If we're friends, chances are we haven't seen each other in over a month (maybe more than six), and I'm depressed about it.

(Family, of course, is an entirely different category; they're only at 20%).

So OF COURSE I don't want to make new friends. We'll become acquaintances and I'll not hate you for a few weeks, then we'll be close and I'll be thrilled for however long that lasts and after a year or two (five max probably), one or both of us will wander off and I'll be all up night getting nostalgic and punching my pillow. All manly-like.

It's the same reason I can't have pets, really.

Clicky People

I'm learning more and more the difference between relationships of choice and relationships of convenience and how the proportion of each in my life (and everyone's lives) makes such a big difference in the level of contentedness/happiness I have in my life.

I guess that I've just met so many new people in the past five months and ... when you have no base for friendships or any relationships at all and you're starting from scratch it's like each person you meet has the potential to be your best friend or the love of your life. It's exciting on one hand, but on the other hand it makes it so clear how rare it is to find someone you ACTUALLY click with. I had an idea about this before I came to Japan, but it's just so clear now; every day I may talk to a dozen people and visit or hang out with three or for and it's likely that I have nothing more than a relationship of convenience with all of them. They're close to me because they live in GH or on campus or they're in a class with me or they're from the same place as me or something that makes it easy for us to be around each other, but that doesn't make us mesh. I can still spend all night talking to someone and not feel close to them.

I think it's like that for everyone. I think I know people who I was friends with for years without ever clicking with them. I guess it's sad, but I don't regret the time I spent with them. I just wish our relationship had been more real. And I feel that way about a lot of people right now...maybe more and more people every day. But what can I do except continue to meet and get to know more people and hope that something clicks? I mean, what other solution is there?

Fortunately, there are a couple of people who I have clicked with. Even a boy. :D But that doesn't mean that our relationships are perfect, just that I feel closer to them than I do with the people I spend hours with every day. I just hope that they feel the same way.