So I spent the summer being stressed out, annoyed, and disappointing people. Yeah, I wasn't into doing things that I did last summer, maybe I didn't act the same, maybe I wasn't around as much as I normally would have been, but...you've got to believe me, EVERY day of the summer (save for the few weeks when I was either working my ass off at Susan's day camp or exhausting myself at Indiana Beach), I felt differently about my experiences abroad and about being back in America. I was processing it, all the time, comparing everything, wondering what my friends were doing, wishing that I was back in Japan (sometimes even back in J4!), and trying to figure out how I could somehow make the changes in me work while I was in America.
SUMMARY: REVERSE CULTURE SHOCK IS WORSE THAN REGULAR CULTURE SHOCKBefore I left for Japan I read pamphlets about culture shock, about how I was supposed to feel during my first four months abroad, and it said that I would wonder, "Why can't they just do it this way instead?" about the Japanese. I NEVER thought that. I think it was easier going in because my expectations were completely open. Whatever weird customs or surprising differences I found, it never bugged me because I expected things to be different. I rolled with all the punches.
But coming back to America, I had expectations. I expected to be able to combine my Japanese life with my American life, to eat katsudon once in a while or make okonomiyaki for my family, that people would WANT to try out these foods, or want to hear me speak Japanese, or want to know more about my friends, or even want to talk about the differences I found between life here and life there. But, surprise surprise, no one wanted to eat Japanese food, no one cared about my friends, speaking Japanese just annoyed people, and every time I pointed out a difference they just looked at me like Japan must have been so horrible if things were like that. It felt like everything I tried to take with me from Japan just slipped away, and I was the only one who knew what was being lost. And THAT was a horrible horrible feeling.
So because of those failed expectations, it wasn't until I was back in America that I thought, "Why can't they just do it this way instead?" Why can't all bikes have locks and baskets built in? Why can't burnable and non-burnable garbage just all be separated? (still feels weird to combine them) Why can't there be a train running from city to city so I don't have to take a fucking car everywhere? Why can't people in the dorms leave their doors open so anyone can walk in and hang out? Why can't boys strip down and play soccer in the hallways? Why can't things be cleaner, closer together, more organized, plain, simple, straightforward???? Things are so complicated here, so messy and full of useless extras, wasted space.
I don't WANT to feel like this, I'm not doing it because I'm some fan girl who thinks anything Japanese MUST be better. It just makes more sense to me, things like they were in Japan. I hope I get used to it again here. It's very frustrating.
So I hope my friends and family will forgive me. I do enjoy being with you, I love you all, but I feel very alone with all these thoughts nagging at me all the time and knowing that no one wants to hear them. No one would get it anyway, I'd just sound annoying.
